- Insecticide .

I feel like i should create a whole other blog to write out all of my nervous breakdowns regarding this play. There are positive and negative aspects to that of course . First off , I'm spending so much time worrying about not being able to go up for it and letting myself down and trying to analyse my recovery ahead of time when truthfully i wont really know until it happens , therefore the worrying is redundant.  Its stuck in my head 24/7 about how bad i want this and how i may have to watch it go on without me and it freaks me out. The associated anxiety is killer . (Hence the insecticide pun, cause I'm sewww punny) But secondly, I'm spending all my "worry capacity" worrying about this play rather than worrying about my future and the success of the surgery, which is probably one of the best things i could have in my life right now. Im pretty sure some anxiety is going to be there regardless, so i guess focusing it on something that isnt going to push me over the edge is probably something thats pretty worth the worrying.
I talked to McCarthy today about my anxiety due to Sahara. I don't know if its just nerves or what it actually is, but I'm scared she isn't as committed and doesn't actually want this. Which is so painful to see because i may end up sitting in the audience wanting it more than anything else in the world, and the person who actually has it doesn't appreciate it. McCarthy says Sahara is sick which is why she seems like she doesn't want it, but it was soo nice to be reassured that McCarthy wont let it happen that way and that she'll do something about it if worst comes to worst and she isn't appreciative. I'm so nervous that i'll seem as if I'm a burden to the rest of the class and McCarthy, because i feel as if i'll be really hesitant throughout the process, which is scary because i don't want to necessarily be viewed as such. I think that having McCarthy stick as a constant throughout the whole thing will help within itself because i feel as if i don't have as much explaining to do for myself. I don't think explaining is really the right word, but I'm weird and stubborn and difficult, and i feel like at times McCarthy knows me better than i know myself at times. I think having that constant to smack me back on track is exactly what will keep me sane during the whole "waiting game".
Ive done soo much thinking about if i should even be involved in this play in the first place, but i don't know where to run now that i've made up my mind and I'm still not at peace. I don't think i'll ever fully be at peace because i'm not expecting my mind to settle until after the surgery, but i was expecting more than this. I dont want to present this in my mind as more of a challenge than it already is, but im scared i've already started and dont know how to change it before it sets in stone. I think i'd be crazy to back out now , especially because i do want it soo bad , and as McCarthy never fails to let me forget, Im not allowed to be (as well as shouldnt be) sitting at home in my basement all day catastrophising over this surgery. There is 56 days from today until my surgery, and 58 days until the first night of the play. As long as McCarthy and the Basement Dwellers have my back, i can soo do this.
I mean, i can get through this? I think the first step to finding that comfort is seeing the committment from Sahara and getting to know her and trust her more cause i think thats a vital piece missing right now. I hope more than anything that I snap out of this soon, otherwise this bug anxiety thing is going to consume my life (oh the irony). 700 words later, I need to give it some time ...