- The Insect Play .

I just found out that my surgery is now scheduled for the 28th of November. Which is controversial because the play goes up on the 30th and runs through until the 3rd of December . From that , i automatically counted myself out. I  thought id find some way to be involved in the play, but not be needed from hell night, onward . Once McCarthy told me she'd still like to cast me for part of it, i didn't know what to choose.
1) rehearse for two months, allow myself to get my hopes up, to find out mid-run that i wont be able to go up at all.
2) rehearse for two months, go up for how ever many nights I'm well enough to go up.
3) back out to avoid the emotional toll it'd take if i were to have to back out.
The way i saw it at first was automatically jump to number 3 to avoid the consequences of number 1. But once i talked to McCarthy, she saw it differently. There was so much more to consider than i initially had allowed myself to. Daniela had mentioned that half of the experience is "the process", and just to be a part of that is incredible. My mom wants me to be in it to allow myself to find a distraction while approaching the surgery date to avoid anxiety. Id be lying if i were to say that one of my fears is to work so hard for it , not be able to go up , and having my part not do well knowing that it would've been different had i been up there. My mind is all over the place because i don't want to let people down. I don't want to let myself down , because i know i will convince myself that i CAN do this, and when i cant, ill be even harder on myself than if i had backed out before the initial read-through. I was watching Private Practice tonight and Addison had said "Humans make plans, than God just laughs at us." Ive planned for almost a year now that the two things that will get me through the rest of high school is the possibility of this surgery, and being fully committed to theatre this year. I never once expected one to completely halt the progression of the other. So I'm going to do it , because the last thing i want to be doing is sitting in the audience on December 3rd , thinking "I'm well enough to be up there right now, and I've wasted another 2 months of possibility because of fear." So starting Monday, I'll put everything i have towards this play, even if i have to read this page over and over again , and still have to sit in the audience every night with a cast on my arm forcing myself to remember how much i learnt from the process.