- The Insect Play .

I just found out that my surgery is now scheduled for the 28th of November. Which is controversial because the play goes up on the 30th and runs through until the 3rd of December . From that , i automatically counted myself out. I  thought id find some way to be involved in the play, but not be needed from hell night, onward . Once McCarthy told me she'd still like to cast me for part of it, i didn't know what to choose.
1) rehearse for two months, allow myself to get my hopes up, to find out mid-run that i wont be able to go up at all.
2) rehearse for two months, go up for how ever many nights I'm well enough to go up.
3) back out to avoid the emotional toll it'd take if i were to have to back out.
The way i saw it at first was automatically jump to number 3 to avoid the consequences of number 1. But once i talked to McCarthy, she saw it differently. There was so much more to consider than i initially had allowed myself to. Daniela had mentioned that half of the experience is "the process", and just to be a part of that is incredible. My mom wants me to be in it to allow myself to find a distraction while approaching the surgery date to avoid anxiety. Id be lying if i were to say that one of my fears is to work so hard for it , not be able to go up , and having my part not do well knowing that it would've been different had i been up there. My mind is all over the place because i don't want to let people down. I don't want to let myself down , because i know i will convince myself that i CAN do this, and when i cant, ill be even harder on myself than if i had backed out before the initial read-through. I was watching Private Practice tonight and Addison had said "Humans make plans, than God just laughs at us." Ive planned for almost a year now that the two things that will get me through the rest of high school is the possibility of this surgery, and being fully committed to theatre this year. I never once expected one to completely halt the progression of the other. So I'm going to do it , because the last thing i want to be doing is sitting in the audience on December 3rd , thinking "I'm well enough to be up there right now, and I've wasted another 2 months of possibility because of fear." So starting Monday, I'll put everything i have towards this play, even if i have to read this page over and over again , and still have to sit in the audience every night with a cast on my arm forcing myself to remember how much i learnt from the process.

- Auditions .

Hayley and I have decided to audion together .
Hayley says :
This will definitely be interesting. Never auditioned with something before. I don't really know what we're gonna and how we're gonna go about it.
Morgan says:
Extremely interesting , espeially because Hayley consideres me a thing. It freaks me out that we have no wa of preparing for it, and especially cause ive never auditioned with McCarthy before. t should help that Haylz and i can feed off of eachother .
Hayley says:
Yes, exactly. I don't know what we are really suppose to do. just walk in and do some acrobactics? cause i'm definitely not very fexible. so thil will be extremely interesting. i hope that Morgz and i will be able to just be crazy on the spot.
Morgan says:
Perhaps Haylz and i could go in and use our bodies in a way that's animated but rather than perfect and tricky, almost foolish and comedic ? i have no idea if that even makes sense .  but I feel like we work well enough together that we can feed off of eachother and it will take away the nerves , we're freaks anyways .
Hayley says :
yup we are freaks thats for sure. hopefully the nerves wont the better of me and i'll give it 110 percent. and with morgz there, i know i'll be able to because morgz just has the extremely outgoing personality which i love and hopefully it'll rub off on me. i hope that we can use our nerves for the better and work off that energy.

- Staircases .

I cant seem to identify what or why , but going up a staircase seems to make me want to cry .
This made me curious , so i looked into different possible meanings . My first inclination was to look into a dream dictionary . "you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual, emotional or material journey". The ascention of staircases is appearantly directly related to coming to a conclusion having risen above the facts to finally see the bigger picture .
The use of staircases through portrayal of emotion on stage is still something i dont fully comprehend how it could work , but i feel like it could be effective if approached properly. I feel that with more thought and more minds behind it , the use of a staircase on stage could be an active prop used in the progression of the storyline .
When I saw Marry Poppins on Broadway this summer the use of a staircase was absolutely perfect within context. The staircase basically worked as the separation between the parents lives of stress and hectic-ness (great vocab, i know) , and the lives and imaginination of the children in their bedrooms upstairs aswell as on the rooftop. The set design , strongly focused around the staircase, was one of the most effective sets ive seen , aside from Theatre Calgary's production of "Much Ado About Nothing."

- The Angels , The Enlightened , The _______

The True Appearance of an Angel
The true appearance of an angel is said to vari depending on the angel . Some said to have 4 faces and six wings or be as tall as giant buildings , whereas others are said to be considered beautiful. The voice of an angel is often heard as a high pitch , each piercing sound which is known to be able to shatter glass. It is sai that is a human being were to try to withstand the sound , it has the potential to be fatal . Why have the human race personified angels to become this symbol of grace, purity, and most of all delicate beauty?

The Illuminati
The illuminati are supposedly consisted of a group of elite men who supposedly control the international banking world , supposedly in hopes of world domination. The illuminati is said to be a conspiracy theory. They apparently work behind  the scene of all government levels to aid the policies created to help the world continue in the direction of their master. They're also in place to lure people away from God using things like money , earth , flesh and the devil .
The Grove
ask mccarthy for more details to look up , the search wont really say anything other than pubs and community schools. Other hints ?

- Quotes .

" you must inhale life and exhale it into your art . "

"Our individual lives cannot, generally, be works of art unless the social order is also." -Charles Horton Cooley

"The first step to becoming an adult is to stop punishing yourself for things you did as a child." - Idina Menzel

"The human body is designed to compensate for loss. It adapts so it no longer needs the thing it can't have. But sometimes the loss is too great and the body cant compensate on its own. " - Shonda Rice

- Pura Saraswati Festival

Feel : RAIN , HUMID , RUNNING WATER
Look : DIM LIGHTING , WHITE IN COLOR , WARM ROCKS ON FEET
Smell : PLANTS
Sound : RAIN , SARASWATI VEENA

- Albert Einstein

" The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is he source of all true art and all science . He to whom this emotion is a stranger who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe is good as dead: his eyes are closed . "

September 11th, 2011 marked the 10th anniversary of the terrorist attacks to the United States . Last night i watched a documentary titled '102 Minutes That Changed America' . I was unable to grasp why i found such fascination in the photos and video footage of the World Trade Towers as they fell . I was unable to grasp why i found beauty in the death of thousands of people , but perhaps i just found beauty in the mysterious . It was , and still is , a phenomenon that is unique to my lifetime . All i could think , watching each tower fall indiviudually , was "fireworks". Once put side by side to one another , it was finally clear that it wasnt a bad thing to be completely captured by the idea of these towers collapsing to the ground.

- Words

Chiaroscuro :
based from the italian words for light and dark (chiaro and oscuro) , emphasizing the contrast between the light and dark . Used for dramatic effect often in painting and for dramatic effect .

Coalescence :
To grow or blend together into one body .

Atrophy :
Any diminuation or degeneration usually due to lack of use .

Pentimento :
An alteration in art showing the artist has changed their  mind throughout the course of his or her work. Derives from the italian word for 'repent'

Amalgamation :
Combining into one uniform whole.

Austere :
without excess, luxery, or ease; simple, limited; severe.

- Creating Bali's Brochure

Physicality : Bali is an island that is geographically highly mountainous with dense jungle life . With two seasons , the wet and the dry , Bali is known for its steep slopes , one of which is considered “Gunung Agung” , which is known as the home of the gods . Because of positive environmental conditions, agriculture is a large industry in Bali.

Spirituality : Believing that “each life you earn your next life” , 92% of Bali is Hindu . Concerned for their souls, they strongly value positive experiences , they would rather die than affect their future life. The Balinese energy feeds the mind , body , and soul,  showing their spiritual concern for well-being.

Andy Warhol .

" There are no stars in a New York sky , they're all on the ground . "
- Lou Reed , Open Houses

Singer, songwriter , Lou Reed , was an American rock musician who led his solo career into the creation of a band , The Velvet Underground , whose career seemed unnoticed until later on where it soon gained  enough attention from the music world to be named one of the most infulential rock bands of all time . Soon into their career , the band caught the attention of Andy Warhol, most commonly known for his paintings in artestry , though his infulence on the art world were much larger than that .
Starting as a commercial artist in New York , his work soon devellopped into what is considered fine art , intentionally blending the line between the two .

Frank Russell Capra .

" A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something . "
" Don't follow trends, start trends . "

Frank Capra (1897-1991) was an American film director whose rags to riches story allowed him to develop his name to eventually be considered 'American dream personified' . He won 3 Oscars for Best Director , which allowed his name to grow and be more publicly renowned allowing people to rush to see his movies. The one of his films that specifically stuck out to me was It's a Wonderful Life (1946) , which I was first introduced to by Sesame Street as a small child . It was featured in a Sesame Street Christmas special where my parents later linked that to showing us the movie its self. Involved with Harry Cohn's studio , now renamed Columbia Pictures, Capra was one of the main directors to primarily implement sound into film , which was extremely new technology at the time . He claimed to not be 'at home in silent films'.
Frank Capra's directing style relied strongly on improvisation. His style was said to be described as creating 'a beauty of controlled motion'. Said to be gentle and considerate , Capra often carried  a message of goodness of human nature and showing the true value of hard work .

" I made mistakes in drama . I thought drama was when actors cried , but drama is when the audience cries . "

This quote , also by Frank Capra , took my by surprise because of the similarities to my own connections to the production of CARNIval . Its the realization that actors are only a part of the 'bigger picture' , and it is the audience's perception that makes it worth while . In this quote , I believe Capra sees drama as an object rather than a direct emotion.

Stella Adler .

"Life beats you down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you still have one ."

Stella Adler is an actress also known for teaching the art of acting . She taught how to discover the nature of our own emotional mechanics . From certain perspectives she shall remain unrecognized and unappreciated due to her restraint to give in to 'vulgar exploitations'. Stella Adler is the only American actor to study under Constantin Stanislavski. Without beeing prepared , Adler claimed the actor would walk onto the stage 'naked'. She enforced strengthening of the imagination to allow the characters experiences to be vivid , and focused closely on the vocal and physical aspects of acting . She often reffered to this as 'size' or 'worthiness of the stage'.

HolocaustMemorialMuseum .

In Washington, DC i spent 4 hours looking into various perspectives and side stories involving Nazi Germany. While in the Holocaust Memorial Museum , there was a showcase about Heinrich Heine, a poet whose radical political beliefs led to many of his works being banned by German authorities . Though he died before Nazi rule began, this quote carried the weight of the whole showcase.

"Where books are burned , in the end , people will be burned."
- Heinrich Heine .

Once i saw this, the first thing that came to my mind was CARNIval . The correlation between the two in senses of the similarities of burning books and the taking of human life immediately caught my attention. Its interesting to think of how the context of the play could have been changed simply to a group in hiding in Germany during the Nazi era . Forced to enclose themselves in the basement of an abandoned library, the group of teenagers struggle to survive due to the chance of death waiting for them outside the library vs. the chance of death from staying within. Caroline could be an example of someone who escaped a death camp or even is just running to seek shelter from the Nazis. The realization of the Nazi's taking over completely would give them less of a will to survive, knowing that they had no chance out there, and the realization of the current living conditions, they had no chance of survival inside either.
Aside from the change in context of the play, the quote itself is interesting enough to hold a conversation. Within books, we have everything that the human race needs to thrive aside from human contact itself. Books are sources of imagination, information, and everything else about our world or whatever came before. As soon as you destroy books , we lose our primary information source of what keeps us rooted to generations before us, fictional and non-fictional . When books are burned, people will be burned because how is the human race supposed to benefit from the diminution of all that we are known to be aside from human contact itself.

ThePoeticsOfCARNIval .

A critical analysis between Aristotle’s “Poetics” and St. Mary’s Theater Arts production of “CARNIval”

“Trembling at curious words that seemed to keep, / some secret, monstrous if one only knew…” – CARNIval

“Those who employ spectacular means to create a sense not of the terrible but only of the monstrous are strangers to the purpose of tragedy.” – Poetics

Definition and Analysis

Tragedy, as defined by Aristotle in the Poetics is a “mimesis”, or imitation, of action that is extant, serious, and of a certain complexity.

Aristotle’s definition of tragedy includes “language embellished with each kind of artistic ornament” through which of CARNIval explores many elements. Metaphor, simile, repetition, and many other literary devices are used within dialogue. “Have you never heard the fable of the ant and grasshopper?” – Al, CARNIval continues to tell a metaphoric story showing their current situation. As the play progressed, the idea of simile comes into place, explaining the beginning of the end with “But war now… then it was more like a video game.” – Caroline, CARNIval. Repetition is shown in many situations throughout the play, often involving Doc, through lines such as, “Things can always get worse. You gotta remember that.” – Caroline/Doc, CARNIval, and “Off with her head!” – Doc, CARNIval. Repetition also shown through lines such as “Danger, Stranger” – Doc, CARNIval often used to show the characters personality herself.

Though literary devices or “embellished language” may be used through dialogue, Aristotle continues to mention that said embellished language is primarily “in the form of action, not of narrative;” – Poetics. The musical aspect incorporated into CARNIval compliments the progression of the play in terms of revealing information or reflecting upon recent events. Agreeing with the incorporation of song, Aristotle states that “language into which rhythm, 'harmony' and song enter” – Poetics is the language best embellished.

“…through pity and fear effecting the proper purgation of these emotions”. Finalizing Aristotle’s definition of tragedy, the idea of expressing emotion is explored. Focusing primarily on the evocation of pity, “sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another” – Random House Dictionary, and fear, “a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, or pain, whether the treat is real or imagined” – Dictionary.com, many situations that arise throughout the course of the play that interact with said feelings. In CARNIval, as the death card is revealed, a rush of emotions is suggested to the audience with both of mixture of fear and shock, followed by pity for Caroline as she is left hanging, waiting to die.

Plot: Basic Concepts

The progression of the storyline in CARNIval fallows the layout that Aristotle expressed in the Poetics almost to an exact. “A beginning is that which does not itself follow anything by causal necessity, but after which something naturally is or comes to be.” – Poetics. In the beginning of CARNIval, the youth in the library are continuing on with what has now become their everyday life, that “casual necessity” that Aristotle had mentioned. The progression of everyday life to the arrival of Caroline is a mirrored image to that of Aristotle’s teaching.

“An end, on the contrary, is that which itself naturally follows some other thing, either by necessity, or as a rule, but has nothing following it.” – Poetics. The ending of CARNIval, though dialogue was scarce, still attends to the Poetics. The progression of the trial of Caroline was lead on by earlier events. CARNIval as a play portrays the literal significance of “the end”. It represents the end of humanity and existence with nothing left to follow it, exactly as mentioned in the Poetics. Having the last words in CARNIval being “That's the way the moon wanes”- That’s The Way, Tom Waits, supports the idea of nothing following it signifying the end.

The length of CARNIval shows significance within the Poetics from the perspective of beauty. “The greater the length, the more beautiful will the piece be by reason of its size” – Poetics. The underlying messages in CARNIval are so powerful and thought-provoking that there is astonishing beauty that lies within the text and movement of characters that is often portrayed as horror. “The greater the length, the more beautiful will the piece be by reason of its size” – Poetics. If CARNIval were to become any shorter, it would’ve taken away from the power and beauty within the play. If it were to be longer in magnitude, it would almost be too much for the spectator to watch, “as the eye cannot take it all in at once” – Poetics. CARNIval corresponds with the Poetics in the category of magnitude simply by corresponding with the fact that the play is “a magnitude which may be easily embraced in one view” – Poetics.

“It is not the function of the poet to relate what has happened, but what may happen - what is possible according to the law of probability or necessity.” – Poetics. As mentioned in the Poetics, tragedy is a reflection of what may occur rather than what has already happened. The production of CARNIval reflects that idea indefinitely. The element of setting in CARNIval is one that has not occurred yet in this world’s time, though it is a possibility which allows audiences to become tied into the story. “…before nuclear winter stole the sun from the sky and the heat from the earth.”- Caroline, CARNIval. Though the story takes place indoors, the implication of “the end” allows the audience to believe the nuclear winter that has brought on the depletion of humanity, which within itself is a fear many people collectively share. The setting containing such an extreme though possible event allowed the audience to become captivated as a result of CARNIval’s tendency “to express the universal” – Poetics.

Plot: Species and Components

As said by Aristotle, tragedy “is best produced when events come on us by surprise.” – Poetics. This idea inspired many occurrences throughout CARNIval, such as the death of Ma, the eating of human flesh, the arresting of Caroline, as well as the final stasimon beginning after the death card was thrown. The element of surprise and astonishment plays a large role in the evocation of emotional involvement through evoking the previously stated emotions of pity and fear. In CARNIval, the element of surprise focuses on fear superior to pity as a result of the gruesome nature of the events taking place. Though Aristotle claims the nature of the surprise is greater if it arrives upon them or by accident, CARNIval does not run parallel to that idea. Each surprise or astonishing occurrence arrives as a surprise to the audience though, with exception to the killing series, comes off as an everyday occurrence to the youth in the library that were also considered the chorus, acting only as a surprise to Caroline.

Though “coincidences are most striking when they have an air of design,” – Poetics, coincidences are not included greatly within the text of CARNIval. Though iron is shown on many occasions throughout the play, coincidence is not a major element when considering the astonishment within a tragedy.

When analyzing the complexity of a tragic plot, one must take into the account two factors: Reversal, “a change in which action veers round to its opposite” – Poetics, as well as recognition, which Aristotle continued to define as, “a change from ignorance to knowledge.” – Poetics. Both of these factors must arrive from preexisting conflicts and reasoning of the interior plot, therefore allowing the “probably result of the preceding action – Poetics. In CARNIval, both reversal and recognition are displayed, signifying the high complexity of the plot of CARNIval. During the both acts of the play, reversal is demonstrated. Within the first act of CARNIval, Caroline is accepted as “a part of the us” – Ma, CARNIval, which is recognized as an extremely positive addition to their survival group. After a quick change of events AFTER the uttering of the name “Mary”, Caroline transitions to being viewed as an evil and negative addition from the chorus’ perspective. There is also an evident reveal in the midst of act two, through the slaughtering of Caroline. The reversal occurs near the end of the play within the final stasimon when in opposition to Caroline dying, the chorus collectively died, leaving Caroline the only one to survive.

Recognition on the other hand is seen less in CARNIval when adhering to complexity, though it is still a strongly significant contender in the aid of advancing the plot. The main element of recognition in CARNIval is the realization of the consumption of human flesh, and more so the realization of the consumption of Mary. “Oh my God, my God. Mary? Is it Mary? Mary!” – Caroline, CARNIval. As Caroline realizes what the meal consists of, we see a change of mood from somber to chaotic and dark. In this we can see a relation to the Poetics since it is “upon such situation that the issues of good or bad fortune will depend.” – Poetics. In context, this realization is one of the principle aspects of the plot, allowing the storyline to continue on through to the trial.

The aspect of suffering is displayed within the play primarily in the final stasimon of CARNIval which in fact corresponds to the Poetics perspective on the nature of a scene of suffering. “Suffering is a destructive or painful action, such as death on the stage, bodily agony, wounds, and the like.” – Poetics. The final scene involving the release of the death card would be considered a scene of suffering according to Aristotle. After thirteen deaths in under a minute comprising of broken necks, stabbings, head trauma, and slit throats, the emotions of fear and pity are strongly expressed as a result of the wounds, destruction, bodily agony, and the like. “Things that would make you look twice.” – Caroline, CARNIval. The sights of suffering continue right on through to the end of the play while seeing Caroline hanging on the hook, unable to get down. In the sense of suffering in modern day, Mary’s illness and offstage death would qualify, though according to Aristotle’s Poetics, a death must be onstage to be considered suffering. Though “many will end unhappily, (…) it is the right ending.” – Poetic.

The Best Kinds of Tragic Plot

When determining the nature of the main character for CARNIval, the consideration of how the downfall of this character would be shaped was a must. “Nor, again, should the downfall of the utter villain be exhibited.” – Poetics. Adhering to Aristotle’s perspective of the hero, Caroline was chosen for the fact that she possessed many of the collective qualities of the human race, allowing her to become personable. “Pity is aroused by unmerited misfortune, fear by the misfortune of a man like ourselves.” – Poetics. Aristotle’s approach on tragedy is very much the same as the approach taken in the formation of Caroline: creating a character much like ourselves to increase relativity within the play. The Poetics veers away from the structure of CARNIval when the opinion of wealth is brought up. “He must be one who is highly renowned and prosperous.” – Poetics. Because of the setting in the play, the controversy of “necessary and probable” – Poetics arises. It would not be probable or practical for Caroline, or any character in that matter, to be highly renowned or prosperous as the world is ending and the human race is nearly extinct. The world becomes a matter of survival rather than a world of success, allowing Caroline to be a stranger bearing nothing but a simple can of beans. “A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.” – Aristotle

In agreement with the Poetics, a plot must be “single in its issue.” – Poetics. CARNIval focuses on consumption in particular. The primary issue expressed within the play is the rate of consumption within the terms of survival. As Aristotle had stated, “the change of fortune should be (…) from good to bad.” – Poetics. In this case, the change of fortune should be characterized from “bad to worse”, in the sense that the fortune placed upon the group at the beginning of the play was bad from the start. CARNIval agrees with the concept of the change of fortune though it tends to divert from the idea of good fortune at the beginning. The change does occur according to the Poetics in terms of coming about as result “of some great error” – Poetics; the error in fact being the uttering of the name of one who has passed.

Aristotle also expands upon the idea that “the best tragedies are founded on the story of a few houses (…), on the fortunes of those others who have done or suffered something terrible.” – Poetics. Though Caroline is not one of the greats who are mentioned from ancient Greece, CARNIval adheres to the concept within the idea of being founded on the story of one who has suffered something terrible, in which Caroline has through the nuclear warfare. As mentioned in her opening monologue and again in stasimon 2 within the conversation with Mary and her story telling to the library kids, Caroline has suffered great tragedy in her life.

Other Aspects of Tragedy

In respect of character, Aristotle believes that there are four primary focuses: goodness, propriety, true to life, and consistency. Goodness, defined as “moral excellence; virtue” – dictionary.com, applies to Caroline in the sense that she is not a villain in the play. Complying with the CARNIval’s main character being female, Aristotle agrees that “even a woman may be good (…) though the woman may be said to be an inferior being.” – Poetics. In terms of propriety, Aristotle claims that “valor in a woman (…) is inappropriate.” – Poetics. When speaking of valor, the determination in facing great danger, Caroline’s character shows relation to, though not as strong as could be. As seen in the third stasimon, Caroline stands up for the chance of eating paper rather than nothing, but at greater times of danger, such as in the trial, she does not seem to fight back as much as one with great valor would. True to life and consistency both apply to Caroline as well, making her an almost perfect character in the eyes of Aristotle.

Out of six types of recognition identified by Aristotle, only two are applicable to CARNIval. Recognition through memory as well as through the process of reasoning may both connect back to the realization of the consumption of human flesh. Both memory and reasoning play a part simply because of the two revelations she had came upon in such a short time: the realization of the human flesh, and the realization of the flesh being Mary. Caroline stumbles upon the realization of human flesh through recalling the term ‘longpig’ from a movie she had seen in the past. After realizing the meat she had been consuming was human flesh she uses reasoning and deduction to come to the conclusion that Mary was in fact that very flesh.

When speaking of the chorus, Aristotle claims that “The chorus too should be regarded as one of the actors; it should be an integral part of the whole, and share in the action.” – Poetics. In the context of CARNIval, the chorus is an integral part of the whole and shares in the action, but rather than as one of the actors, they serve as individual characters. During the stasimons of CARNIval, each character has a name and an individual voice and personality, only coming together for the duration of each choral ode, further separating again at the beginning of each stasimon.

“Philosophy is the science which considers truth”. – Aristotle

EmotionalResponse .

Simply said, CARNIval became an emotional rollercoaster. Overall, it was one of the most difficult, demanding, doubtful and stressful things I’ve ever been a part of. But at the same time, I’ve never had so much pride and confidence in some of my work. The stresses associated with CARNIval weren’t necessarily “bad”. It was stress and hell and awesome all at the same time. The stress that it brought on was relieving I found. It was an escape for my mind to head to a lot of the time because it had brought on so much to think about. Before the process began, I had a lot of expectations. I saw the idea of creating something from scratch a challenge, but never anticipated it to be as much of a challenge as it was. I expected myself to be great. Not only great, but proud as well. I expected to have ideas coming from every aspect of my thoughts that all made sense and were somehow relatable to whatever topic we chose. I never anticipated the nerves, the lack of confidence and self awareness, and the amount of blood, sweat and tears that the process demanded from me. I never expected for the process to literally consume my life for 4 months. And that’s exactly what it did. The start was difficult for me. I was unable to make the connection between my ideas and the actual words to describe them, which was frustrating. My thoughts were so scattered. At that point I found myself questioning my position in the class because they had never understood my ideas the way I had wanted them to, therefore I was just a mess that even I wouldn’t have wanted to have to listen to. I found that pictures seemed to work as time progressed to explain the vision I had in my head.
At this point, I had made the personal decision to not let my pain, and everything associated, define me throughout the course of this play. This was set to be the first thing done “for me, by me” since the accident and I would refuse to allow myself to be stopped or held back by pain or being defined as “the damaged one.” Continuing through with that was a lot harder than I had thought. The play was a huge contributor towards things I had discovered about myself around the time which consisted of a lot of realization that my pain had become a large part of my identity and did in fact impact every aspect of my life, including the writing process, rehearsing, and even finding my voice within my character. That struggle continued throughout the course of the play, bringing with it positive and negative realizations further shaping who I am to become.
The next challenge that arose after figuring out our story line was choosing our characters. I was pretty sure I didn’t want to play the lead because I didn’t see myself as “hero” in any context of the play. I was decently sure that I didn’t I posses the strength and drive in general that the “hero” character would have. In full admittance, it blew my mind the similarities in perspectives and interests between my own and Caroline as expressed by her monologue. (which in the end turned out fascinating to watch played back in front of me by Haley). By this point, theatre arts had brought on a lot of self-reflection. I was unable to settle with a character title for quite sometime because I was unable to find myself in any of the suggested titles from our class. I wasn’t tender enough for mom, or connected enough to the artist. I struggled for a while with finding “some connection” between myself and a title and I was unable to find that. The class suggested I stuck with doctor because that’s where they saw me best so I figured it was my only hope. I was extremely doubtful though because once again, I did not want to be defined by my pain , but I was unaware if I was the only one who noticed or even cared about said connection. I figured if I settled with the title, I could find myself within as time grew. And I’m not sure if that was the right choice, but I went with it. As I looked into possibilities for my character, the epiphany of mercury poisoning from paper helped me bond with my character because the sketch began to seem more defined.
One of the biggest challenges I found was finding my “niche” once we got on the stage. For some reason my confidence levels speaking when standing on the stage disappeared and for the first little while I had shut myself out from the audience. Finding the “crazy” within me to take on the role of the doctor to the fullest extent seemed so out of reach as soon as I stepped on the stage. I understood the concept of “being” rather than “acting” but applying that to our play was a lot more difficult than I thought at a personal level. Over the long weekend, about 2 days before the play opened I forced myself to sit down and write out the similarities between Doc and myself. I initially thought the only thing that Doc and I could possibly have in common was the “medical aspect” which is exactly what I was trying to avoid interfering with the play. I finally realized that the problem I had with becoming Doc was the fact that I was scared of facing the similarities that I had been blind to acknowledge. I couldn’t settle into the crazies that Doc possessed because I feared that if I allowed doc to express her crazies, that my own personal “crazies” would shine through to the audience in a way that I wasn’t willing to portray. Laying my secrets out on stage in a fun/ twisted way was something I never thought I’d allow myself to do, but at the same time, portraying my own mental illness through a character that is meant to be accepted as one who is comedic is scary. “Becoming” Doc was more centred around acceptance by the end of it. I had to come around and find my confidence on stage through expressing those vulnerabilities because that it was the audience will cling to and learn to fall in love with. So many mixed emotions because at times the similarities would become uncomfortable. Once becoming Doc successfully, for the first time I was able to openly show the “crazies” that I had known in a fun way that the audience could accept and even relate to in one way or another figuring everyone has their own crazies. So I went out on stage and turned both Doc and I’s crazies into fun. We were playing and I couldn’t have taken more pride in that by the end.
By the end of the show, I was unsure of my response to the similarities between the two of us: whether I was proud of pulling off the character so well (or so I saw it), or whether I was ashamed that I could. Hearing feedback from people after the shows about how they’re “worried that I can ACT crazy so convincingly” made me nervous, even though their voices were full of playfulness. At that point I had feared that I had left too much on the stage and the open vulnerability would then cross from Doc over to my own life. Stepping back a couple days later, I had come to see that the success of Doc and achieving her crazies was nothing more than something I was to be proud of. I’ve never been faced with quite a challenge of the same sort. Doc turned out to be nothing but a fun release and even though I struggled so much “becoming” Doc, I’m glad I pushed through with her.
Walking the halls of school the next days to hear groups of friends talking about how much they enjoyed our play and talking about what they would do if they were in our situation was one of the most rewarding things I could’ve heard. The pride that fallowed the play knowing that I was a part of the creation, and I overcame everything I had to face within the process was something I hope I can hold onto in some part of me for the rest of my life. That feeling of pride and confidence in my work was something I’ve never felt in quite the same way, and I pray that the feeling quite like I had those fallowing days will stay with me for the rest of my life whenever I think about the crazy journey of our CARNIval.